tears in the rain (A.J.)

[Christopher Matthew Evans]

Chris had spent the day relaxing. He'd had off work that morning, so he'd enjoyed sleeping in a bit. When he'd gotten up he made some breakfast, and then had spent the rest of the time playing various video games But, even with how much Chris liked video games there was only so long he could play them. So long that he could sit in one spot without doing something active. He enjoyed being active, staying in shape. When he got bored, he decided to go for a bike ride to get some exercise. Heading to his room, he changed clothes, then wrote a quick note for Laura, which he left on the fridge. He grabbed his cell, sticking it in his pocket, grabbed his keys, and headed out the door. After making sure Spike did not get out, he locked the door, put his keys in his pocket and got his bike. The sky was overcast, looking like it could pour and minute, but that wasn't going to stop him. It wouldn't be the first, or last time he got soaked in the rain while riding. If it got bad enough, he was sure he could find a restaurant or somewhere to wait it out.

He petaled, being mindful of cars around him, enjoying the ride. After about five minutes of riding, it started to drizzle. Chris stopped, making sure his cell phone was well tucked away so it would not get damaged, then continued on. Some people did not like rain, Chris did not mind it that much. He especially liked the way the air smelt after it rained. His legs pumped as he went up a hill, and then coasted down it. The rain pitter pattered lightly on his leather jacket. He wasn't working up a sweat yet, or tied. The rain picked up slightly, and he knew if it really started to come down hard he would need to stop. There were reflectors on his bike, and even a light, as he did a lot of riding in the evening. Some things were not worth the risk, and if visibility became quite bad, he would take the chance at wondering if cars would see him. If he did, and his sister found out, she would kill him.

After a while he came to an apartment building. Was that A.J. he wondered, trying to determine if it was him, or some random stranger. Chris slowed his bike down, and as he got closer said, ”A.J?” waiting to see if he got a reaction or not. He paused on the bike, looking at his surroundings through the rain. If it was not him, Chris would just keep going, no big deal. If it was A.J. he should stop and say hi or something he figured. He hadn't talked to him since that day at St. Helena's. It wasn't that he was avoiding him, he just was not going out of his way to seek him out. There was a difference. He didn't want to go home and tell Laura where he'd been, that he thought he saw A.J. but he'd said nothing. She would probably know where Ashley lived. It could be where Ashley lived, but to be honest, Chris had no idea. Something he knew that was completely his own fault.

OUTFIT

TIMELINE: August 26, 2:00pm

[Ashley Jarred West]

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[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true] [style= width: 448px; height: 598px; background-color: #ffffff;] [style= width: 350px; height: 50px; background-color: #000000; font-family: Gentium Book Basic; color: #ffffff; font-size: 26px; line-height: 100%; padding-top: 5px; letter-spacing: 3px;]a.j. west

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true] [style= width: 150px; height: 400px; border: #ffffff 5px solid; background-image:url(http://i45.tinypic.com/16gl51.jpg);] [/style] 0781 words chris outfit --- ohai, darlin'.

How can I decide what's right? When you're clouding up my mind. I can't win your losing fight all the time. How can I ever own what's mine When you're always taking sides? But you won't take away my pride, No not this time. Not this time. How did we get here? I used to know you so well. How did we get here? [style= width: 255px; height: 8px; font-size: 8px; background-color: #000000; color: #ffffff;]------------------------------------- well i think i know [/style] A.J. had spent the day at the local Starbucks and Barnes & Nobel working on one of his last papers. It was kind of nice knowing he would not have to worry about papers for too much longer. The sky had looked quite intimidating all day, and Ashley was sure that it was going to start raining. He dreaded that one. He was not looking forward to having to walk in the rain. Once he was done with the paper, he got another coffee to go and made his way back toward the apartment building. He walked a little slowly, making note of the different businesses through main street. It was very similar to his home town, and it made him miss it. He mostly missed his dad, and made a mental note to remember to call that evening. A.J. was worried something else was going to happen while he was away. The good thing was that he did not live very far from home, so he could always visit on long weekends. As he walked, A.J. took a drink of his coffee and tugged up the hood of his red jacket so that it covered his head. It was starting to sprinkle and he scowled at that thought. He was going to miss the sun of summer that was soon going to be replaced by wet and cold, and soon the snow. His dad had always loved the snow and Christmas; but, it never was the same for A.J. Christmas was one of those "family" holidays. His family had always been just him and his dad. While he never felt like he was missing anything, it was just never those Christmases that you would see on the television. They usually just had takeout and watched cheesy movies. The holiday the two of them enjoyed together was Halloween. They would both dress up in ridiculous costumes and hand out candy to kids in the neighborhood. A smile formed on his face at that thought, though it turned into a wince a few moments later as the sprinkles started to pick up. A.J. was just about to enter the passcode to the doors of his apartment building when he heard someone say his name and he turned to look. His stomach tightened when he spotted Christopher standing there with his bike. "Oh, uh, hey, Chris," he replied with a smile, shifting his hold on his then-cold coffee. He had done a pretty good job of avoiding Chris since the day that he had found out that the Evans siblings were there. Since then, he had talked to Laura and made up with her; but, he had not wanted to see Chris due to the awkwardness of things unsaid. However, there he was, and A.J. was slightly unsure why he had wanted to avoid the man in the first place. After worrying at his lower lip for a moment as the rain picked up even more to the point that his hoodie was starting to stick to him, he gestured over his shoulder to the door. "D'you wanna come in and wait out the rain? I mean... s'not safe to be on a bike, right?" A.J. was not sure how far away from there that Chris lived, but he might as well offer. He'd have felt bad if he did not at least offer and something happened. "Planned on making some coffee." He felt kinda awkward, but smiled anyway. He wanted things to be normal between them. At the same time, he was not sure if it was possible, especially if they never really talked about things. Once Chris had agreed to come in, A.J. smiled and nodded toward the door. "There's a spot inside here where you can put the bike." He then entered the code to unlock the door and held it open for Chris to go inside. A.J. showed the other man where to put the bike before leading him upstairs to his apartment. A.J. unlocked the door and went in first, turning on the light as he tossed his keys onto the table next to the door. Once Chris was inside with him, he shut and locked the door. "Uhm, you can put your coat over on the chair there." He gestured over to the chair in the living room area, glancing around to see where Precious was; probably upstairs on his bed. "'Ve got some dry clothes if you wanna change into them. You're gonna drip all over my floor." He smiled over at Chris, reaching up to absently ruffle his own hair.

tears in the rain ---------------

[/style][/center]

ORIGINAL TEMPLATE BY coded by ericamay
MODIFIED FOR PB BY ALICEMOUSE

[Christopher Matthew Evans]

”Hey,"he said giving A.J. a small smile. The rain was picking up, and while he had on a jacket, it was not one that was meant to get drenched in the rain. He could feel that his t-shirt underneath was wet, and clinging to his skin. Hopefully, his phone would be okay. Chris paused for just a second, considering A.J.'s invitation, then nodded. Visibility was getting bad. ”Yeah, you’re right,” he said thinking how pissed Laura would be if he got hurt while riding, even worse if she found out Chris had turned down A.J.'s offer, he thought. ”Coffee sounds good,” he said trying to sound friendly. The same awkwardness that had been there when they had met again was still present. And it caused Chris to feel guilt knowing that he, his actions were likely the cause of it. They had been so close when they'd been younger, banter had been so easy. He wanted that back, he just did no how. Didn't know if he could be the one to sart the conversation that might fix some of the damage he'd done to their relationship.

Nodding, he got off his bike, walking next to it and lifting it into the apartment. He put the bike where A.J. showed him, and followed the younger man. As he walked his shoes squeaked some from wetness. He felt soaked. His hair, his shirt, his jeans, his shoes. When they got in the apartment, Chris glanced around taking in his surroundings. It seemed nice, cozy. He reached up and unzipped his jacket, taking it off, and digging into the pocket to check his phone. Thankfully, it seemed to be fine. He put his coat and the phone on the chair A.J. had indicated. ”Thanks,” ge said trying to stay in one spot so he didn't get water all over. He ran his own fingers through his hair, shaking out some of the water.

When A.J. went to get the clothes for him, he peeled off his shirt. The fabric was wet and making him cold. He didn't want to get sick. He set the shirt, on the floor figuring he'd just make a pile so as not to track water around. He took the clothing A.J. offered him, and set it down. Chris removed his shoes and then his socks, Everything seemed to be wet. He then proceeded to undo his jeans, and pushed them down over his hips, kicking them off. Standing there in just his briefs, Chris did not think about how A.J. would feel about him stripping in his living room. Seeing people naked, was at times part of his job, being in little clothing or even nudity was not something that bothered him. Well, okay, sometimes the skimpy things his sister wore bothered him, but that was an entirely different matter. And it wasn't like he was ashamed of his body, between bike riding and working out Chris was fit. He unfolded the pants he'd been given and slipped them on. They were sweatpants, which he had figured, he didn't think any of Ashley's jeans would fit him. Then he grabbed the shirt. Unfolding it, it looked small, and Chris wondered if it would even fit. He put one arm in then the other, and lifted it to go over his head. It actually managed to get partially on. But was snug, and Chris thought he was going to rip it if he hadn't already. Removing it, he turned and walked toward A.J. ”Here. It doesn't fit. It’s like trying to fit into a girl's shirt.” he said teasing Ashley slightly with a smirk. “I'm not an extra small. I'll just do without.”

[Ashley Jarred West]

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[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true] [style= width: 448px; height: 598px; background-color: #ffffff;] [style= width: 350px; height: 50px; background-color: #000000; font-family: Gentium Book Basic; color: #ffffff; font-size: 26px; line-height: 100%; padding-top: 5px; letter-spacing: 3px;]a.j. west

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true] [style= width: 150px; height: 400px; border: #ffffff 5px solid; background-image:url(http://i45.tinypic.com/16gl51.jpg);] [/style] 0753 words chris outfit --- ohai, darlin'.

How can I decide what's right? When you're clouding up my mind. I can't win your losing fight all the time. How can I ever own what's mine When you're always taking sides? But you won't take away my pride, No not this time. Not this time. How did we get here? I used to know you so well. How did we get here? [style= width: 255px; height: 8px; font-size: 8px; background-color: #000000; color: #ffffff;]------------------------------------- well i think i know [/style] He was glad that Chris agreed to wait out the rain, but at the same time, A.J. was a bit nervous about having the other guy in his apartment. His apartment was one of the places he usually let his guard down at, even without realizing it. It was harder for him to keep things hidden that he wanted to keep hidden when he was at a place that felt like home. Of course, there had always been things that were the exception. "Right, so I'll go grab those clothes," A.J. stated with a smile, taking off his wet shoes to leave by the door before rushing up the stairs to his bedroom, and then up the smaller flight of stairs to the landing above it where his laundry room and closet were. A.J. took a moment to wonder where Precious was once again and he rolled his eyes when he saw the mean looking cat curled up asleep in the clean laundry basket. "You little shit." A.J. mumbled the words to himself before changing into some loose fitting track pants, rolling the elastic over once so they did not sit above his hips. He hated that. The material always made his skin itch and just no. He tugged on a t-shirt as well before taking some clothes he was pretty sure would fit Chris back down to the living room. A.J. somehow managed to not stumble to a stop when he found that Chris had practically stripped all the way down in his absence. The intern's face flushed and he tried not to stare at the other man as he handed the clothes over. Holy god. How was this even his life. "You being practically naked in my living room is totally a thing right now. Okay," A.J. stated, without even realizing that he had actually said it instead of simply just thinking it. A.J.'s eyes widened a bit when, a few moments later, he realized that he had actually spoken. "Oh my god," he said, mostly to himself before turning to walk over to the kitchen area so that he could go make coffee and not stare as Chris changed. "Right, uh, coffee." He cleared his throat and nodded a little, focusing on making the coffee. He only looked back to Chris when the other man headed in his direction to return the shirt that had been too small. "Hey, I'll have you know, that shirt is a small." A.J. huffed a little and took the shirt back, but it was more in a playful manner than a serious one. He had not thought the shirt would be that small; but, obviously he had been wrong. Then again, he had sort of been making a comparison to the Chris he had known before. Chris had put on a bit of muscle since before, and A.J. had forgotten to factor that in. "Not all of us can look like Hollister models, jesus christ." Maybe he should find a hoodie that he knew would fit the other man because Chris without his shirt on would just lead to a lot of staring and that could end up badly. And his filter was apparently gone because that was not something he had meant to say, either. He nearly winced at the fact that he had said it, leaning back against the counter. "I mean, you've always been able to pull off the shirtless thing. 'Cause, yeah, you'd have to be blind not to see that you're hot. Crap, I mean, uh, fuck..." Well, A.J. had tried to make a joke about the fact that he was a scrawny little shit himself, but apparently that was not happening and he had basically just let the only person he had ever been attracted to know that he had always been attracted to him. That was not something A.J. had planned on admitting. "Right, uh... we can... pretend I didn't just say that." A.J. laughed awkwardly, absently reaching up to rub the back of his neck with one hand as he tried to figure out just well the hell that burst of oversharing had come from. He was pretty sure he looked nearly sunburnt and wanted to just crawl in a hole somewhere. At least he could not embarrass himself any farther; and, it was a distraction from all the negative thoughts that were still there.

tears in the rain ---------------

[/style][/center]

ORIGINAL TEMPLATE BY coded by ericamay
MODIFIED FOR PB BY ALICEMOUSE

[Christopher Matthew Evans]

A.J.'s uncomfortableness was not something he had considered. Chris had not thought, not known the younger man was attracted to him. How long had he been? Had Chris really been that blind when the they had been younger? Maybe he hadn't noticed because he was in denial about the fact that he liked him? He liked A.J. Ashley Jarred West whom he'd known since they were kids. Whom he'd played video games with, foiled plots that A.J had his sister made. The pranks they pulled on him. What? No. He was straight. Heterosexual. Totally into women, not men. Right?'d always dated women, he'd never dated a man, never kissed a man. 'Cuz he was straight, he told himself. Not into men. Because saying it over and over to himself would really make it true. When Ashley told him the shirt was a small, Chris could not help the small smirk that appeared on his face. He absentmindedly rubbed the stubble on his face, than ran his hand through his hair. Why did his mouth feel so dry? Oh. Shit. Being a nurse he remembered learning on day how the body responds to attraction. Dry mouth, dilated pupils, increased hormones. Hopefully, Ashley would not see his dilated pupils. Chris raised an eyebrow at A.J. Yeah, he was usually calm, and collected. Confident. Charming even. Which for some reason seemed to leave him around A.J. He got nervous around the younger ,male, something he just now realized he never had been with the women he'd dated. He could keep his cool with a patient bleeding, and screaming, but Ashley made him nervous. ”Hollister? Really? I think I'd prefer to model for Abercrobie & Fitch or American Eagle,” he said, trying to keep his tone serious, though a small smile tugged at his lips. Standing tall in front of Ashley, he made no move to hide his body, not really caring if the younger male checked him out. He worked hard for his body, had a six pack to prove it. The only thing that bothered him at times was the scar on his upper right shoulder. Not even so much because it was a blemish, but because of what it reminded him. That night he'd fractured his proximal humerus, even needing surgery to fix it. It had ended him playing baseball in high school, but that had been the least of his worries.

Had he just heard A.J. right? He'd flat out called him hot? And he said always. Chris stood there for a second slightly speechless. No sarcastic comeback or anything was coming to his mind. He blinked, looking right at A.J. A.J.'s blushing, fidgeting did not go unnoticed by Chris. In fact, if he were being honest with himself he found it cute, and endearing. Without thinking, he stepped closer, into A.J.'s personal space. Reaching out his hand he placed it on A.J. shoulder. ”Don't worry about it,” he said looking at him kindly. It didn't bother him, didn't gross him out that A.J. had just like admitted to liking him. In fact the feeling was mutual. Though Chris had never been one to talk a lot, or be good at saying how he felt. So he stood, touching the man he cared for, maybe even loved. Unable to get the words I like you, too from being thoughts in his head, to actual spoken words. It was right on the tip of his tongue, but refused to come out.

[Ashley Jarred West]

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[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true] [style= width: 448px; height: 598px; background-color: #ffffff;] [style= width: 350px; height: 50px; background-color: #000000; font-family: Gentium Book Basic; color: #ffffff; font-size: 26px; line-height: 100%; padding-top: 5px; letter-spacing: 3px;]a.j. west

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true] [style= width: 150px; height: 400px; border: #ffffff 5px solid; background-image:url(http://i45.tinypic.com/16gl51.jpg);] [/style] 0953 words chris outfit --- ohai, darlin'.

How can I decide what's right? When you're clouding up my mind. I can't win your losing fight all the time. How can I ever own what's mine When you're always taking sides? But you won't take away my pride, No not this time. Not this time. How did we get here? I used to know you so well. How did we get here? [style= width: 255px; height: 8px; font-size: 8px; background-color: #000000; color: #ffffff;]------------------------------------- well i think i know [/style] A.J. knew the physical signs of attraction, but they were something more textbook in knowledge than experience. He was personally never really attracted to many people and never dealt with those unstoppable responses. Chris was an exception to that. However, because of his own personal lack of response to people, he never looked for it in others. For a long while, he had thought maybe he was just not really attracted to anyone and Chris when he was younger was a fluke. Seeing the man again, though, proved that it was not a fluke and went with his theory on his sexuality. Sure, he could appreciate the physical aesthetics of a person; but, that was something completely different from finding them attractive. He had thought either it was a normal thing and everyone was the same way, or that he was just not normal for the longest time. Once he had gotten into his college psychology and sociology classes, he finally had it figured out. Of course, he never quite factored in the possibility that just because he was not attracted to someone else did not mean that they were not attracted to him. Nor did he believe that just because he was attracted to Chris it was a mutual thing. In fact, A.J. was more of the belief that he was not someone that others were really attracted to. He was more a person of convenience, but that was okay because everyone he had been with had been the same for him. Ashley scrunched his face up a little at the mention of the other stores that were just like Hollister. He refused to go into those stores. The smell alone was enough to make him sneeze. It always amazed him how the employees did not end up unable to hear or smell or see from the level of the music, the dousing of the specialty scents, and the darkness of the lighting. It was stupid. Plus, he could find the same shirts at another store for half the cost without damaging his senses. Win-win, in his opinion. "Meh, they're all the same," he replied with a slight wave of his hand, dismissing the notion. Who cared which company it was? They were all the same, at least in the advertising campaigns; hot people with limited clothing. A.J. had never been one to really have a sense of personal space, but it was something his psychology teacher had thought was a lot to do with his lack of physical attraction to most people. It made it difficult to be uncomfortable close to people if being so close gave no physical reaction. However, Chris was not one of those people he was not attracted to and A.J. was not fully sure what to think of the only person he had ever really been attracted to suddenly being in his personal space with a decisive lack of clothing. On top of that, he did not seem bothered by what A.J. had admitted, which the younger man had been fairly sure he would be. "What do you mean 'don't worry about it'?" he questioned, absentmindedly wetting his lips again while ruffling his hair idly, shifting his weight over to the other foot. He did not move to remove Chris' hand from his shoulder; though, if he were honest, it did increase the levels of his want to punch the guy in the face that he was trying to avoid. "I think I've every reason to worry about it, I mean... I just admitted that 've always been attracted to you, which... for me is kind of a big thing and you've not ever even admitted to me that you like guys." A.J. did not know if Chris even realized that it was a big thing for him, or why. Laura knew, but that was partially because she had figured it out before he did and called him out ages ago on at least liking Chris if not guys in general. Of course, it felt like a crap thing to say and A.J. immediately regretted it, chewing on his lower lip for a moment. "That was probably out of line, but dude..." A.J. fidgeted in place a little, tapping his fingers on the counter on either side of him. "You kinda disappeared from my life for years, and I'm trying to be okay with that but I still don't understand. I mean, I got it at first, but then..." A.J. shrugged a little. Then, he had started to figure that it was because Chris was glad for the excuse to not have to deal with him anymore. After running in to each other again, A.J. did not know what to think. He sighed inaudibly and reached up to run a hand over his face before groaning a little. "I'm shutting up now; I really should have already shut up." He had never intended on letting Chris know about how much it bugged him that the guy had just left like that; but, it was practically all out in the open then and A.J. could not take it back. Laura had said he should talk to Chris; but, that would just potentially bring up bad thoughts that Ashley did not particularly want to deal with again. He had been pretty sure he was past the whole feeling abandoned thing that he had dealt with at first, but there was still a slight worry he had that Chris and Laura were going to disappear again. A.J. did not know if it was a feeling that would go away.

tears in the rain ---------------

[/style][/center]

ORIGINAL TEMPLATE BY coded by ericamay
MODIFIED FOR PB BY ALICEMOUSE

[Christopher Matthew Evans]

Okay, so it had been a bad choice of words on his part, he could not take them back now. As A.J. continued talking, nothing could have prepared him for what the younger man said. What he called him out on. Chris removed his hand from Ashley's shoulder, letting the arm hang at his side. It felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. ”I don't like guys, A.J!” he said defensively. His whole attitude changed, his posture changed. He stood there stiffly, crossing his arms over his chest, narrowing his eyes, and scowling at the younger man. He was not gay, or bi, or whatever the hell A.J. thought he was. He was heterosexual. He had to be straight. A.J. did not know what he was talking about. He was into women. He'd dated women, slept with women. Just because A.J. liked him did no mean Chris liked him back. Was this A.J.'s way of trying to get him to like him as more than friends? It wouldn't work. Yes, he'd thought about A.J. when he'd been younger, but he'd been young. A hormonal driven teenager. Did he care for Ashley now, yes, a lot. But it was more like...no. He had thought it was like a sibling relationship, tried to make himself believe it for all these years. They said if one thought something enough, they could believe it was true. Standing here in front of A.J. though, it just started to occur to him, that maybe the feelings he had for the younger male were more than just brotherly. No. Chris turned and walked the few steps to the wall. He needed to put some space between them, because right now he had the urge to punch A.J.

Putting his hands on the wall, leaned heavily on it, closing his eyes and taking a few breaths to try to calm himself. But as A.J. continued to talk, he only felt his anger growing. Turning around to face him, Chris took a few steps toward A.J. ”Probably?! Yeah! You're out of line Ashley!” he said his voice rising as he spoke. He took a breath, in through his nose, out through his mouth, while his hands ran through his hair.”I saw my parents die! They died right in font of me! He said his voice breaking at the end, and he looked away from A.J. It wasn't something he liked talking about with anyone. Not even Laura. After all these years, it still hurt. How does a teen talk to friends about watching his parents die right in front of him, hearing their breathing, their pain, knowing there's nothing he could do to save them, but still thinking it was his fault. His had unconsciously went to touch the scar on his right arm, his constant reminder of that night. He wet his lips, and forced himself to look at Ashley. ”I wanted to keep in touch with you, Ashley. I did, it's just...” he said not knowing what to say. It's just, none of his friends could relate, including A.J. and he'd felt so depressed. After a while he hadn't known how to reconnect. That after a while he figured Ashley would hate him. He deserved to hate him. ”I'm sorry,” he said softly.

[Ashley Jarred West]

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[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true] [style= width: 448px; height: 598px; background-color: #ffffff;] [style= width: 350px; height: 50px; background-color: #000000; font-family: Gentium Book Basic; color: #ffffff; font-size: 26px; line-height: 100%; padding-top: 5px; letter-spacing: 3px;]a.j. west

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true] [style= width: 150px; height: 400px; border: #ffffff 5px solid; background-image:url(http://i45.tinypic.com/16gl51.jpg);] [/style] 0817 words chris outfit --- ohai, darlin'.

How can I decide what's right? When you're clouding up my mind. I can't win your losing fight all the time. How can I ever own what's mine When you're always taking sides? But you won't take away my pride, No not this time. Not this time. How did we get here? I used to know you so well. How did we get here? [style= width: 255px; height: 8px; font-size: 8px; background-color: #000000; color: #ffffff;]------------------------------------- well i think i know [/style] He frowned at Chris' defensive response, even if he had expected it. He had not intended to call out the other man like that, but A.J. could not exactly take it back. It had been said and that was basically the end of that. A.J. sighed a bit and ran a hand through his hair as he said, "Dude, you're talking to the guy that knows you just as well, if not better than you know yourself. At least... I did then. I noticed these things, okay? S'not like it changed things." A.J. felt bad for having said what he did; and, he had apologized, which was about all he could do. A.J. was not going to apologize repeatedly because, what good did that do? An apology did not change what had been done nor could it make it right no mater how sincere it was. The statement had been made and the only thing that could happen from that was moving on, whether Chris accepted the apology yet or not. The younger man winced a little when Chris raised his voice. That was expected but not good on A.J.'s anxiety levels, which had been pushed pretty much to the extreme in the past few years. There'd been a good year or so there in high school where it got to the point that he had panic attacks every few days. It was something he had gotten through, but there were times he could feel that tension again. A.J. let out a heavy breath, focusing on that for a moment before checking back in to the conversation. Well, shouting from Chris more like, but still. He frowned a little at the mention of the death of the other man's parents. "I know what happened, Christopher. It doesn't suck any less now than it did then. I didn't..." A.J. let out a breath, swearing softly as he did as he shifted his weight to his other foot absentmindedly. "I didn't expect you to talk about it, not if you didn't want to and not if you didn't know how. That did not mean I didn't want to hear from you. I mean, you were my best friend, and I was worried." A.J. had worried a lot about Chris, especially at first. He kept worrying that maybe he missed a phone call or something while he was in school, too. Of course, he never did. "It just what? It was just easier? What was it? 'Cause I don't understand. I mean, 've never been able to figure out if it was because you just didn't want to talk to me in the first place, or... something else." A.J. was not fully sure how they switched topics from Chris' sexuality to the fact that they had fallen apart. The two were not exactly anywhere close to the same topic, but whatever. They were both things that needed addressed anyway. Two birds, one stone; he guessed. "Even a few years after you left, things would happen, and my first thought would be to tell you; but, then I'd remember that I didn't know how to get a hold of you anymore." A.J. wrote letters way into his teen years, especially when things got really bad with his anxiety and everything that had come to a head after his meeting with his mother when he was sixteen. That had really set things on a rocky time. A.J. made a good friend in those years, though; his old college roommate who gave him the mean cat upstairs. She was the only one outside his therapist and dad who knew about the anxiety, the abandonment issues, the trust issues, the reasoning behind the deflections, and all the signs of him deflecting. His ADHD had been terrible those years, too. A.J. planned to never actually let Chris see those letters, even if they did become close again. They had turned in to more of a way of just getting his thoughts out there instead of being something for anyone else to see. "I stopped after high school, though; consciously, at least. Took me that long, though. I mean, you were my first real best friend, the first person who never just brushed me aside like I was stupid or something cause I didn't act like everyone else. It was hard to let go of." Especially with the way he had already believed people would leave him; that fear only worsened but that was his secret. Not even his therapist had been let in on that one. A.J. almost wanted to laugh. He would make a shitty counselor. He could not even face some of his own problems. How could he expect to help others do that?

tears in the rain ---------------

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ORIGINAL TEMPLATE BY coded by ericamay
MODIFIED FOR PB BY ALICEMOUSE

[Christopher Matthew Evans]

Chris was quiet for a moment, trying to let it all sink in. Despite, all of his trying to hide it from everyone, lying to himself, A.J. had known. It made him wonder if anyone else had been able to see through him. ”What things?” he asked. All these years he went around acting heterosexual, thinking everyone was buying it, and A.J. had known. Ashley had been in his life again for a matter of weeks, and had just outed him. Just brought his secret out into the open. Then it dawned on Chris, really hit him, that Ashley had said he liked him. So where does all this lave us?” he asked confused. Chris relaxed his posture some, letting his arms fall to his sides. Ashley liked him, had told him so, yet Chris could not get out the words to tell him he felt the same way. He had so many emotions going through him. How would Laura react when she found out? How would Ashley? The other man had told him his feelings, but Chris had never been with another man. He wouldn't know what he was doing, not sexually, anyway. And Chris had always been confident in the bedroom with women. Would A.J. laugh at him?

He felt bad as he listened to A.J. say he'd worried. Felt guilty. He should have at least given A.J. a chance. Chris averted his gaze, feeling ashamed. ”I didn't know how to talk about it. At the time, I couldn't talk about it. It's still hard for me to talk about” he admitted.

”I got depressed, A.J. I missed my parents, I missed baseball, I missed my life.I thought everyone would expect me to be normal. I thought you would expect me to be normal. And, at first, I couldn't do that. It was too hard. Nothing felt normal anymore,” he said, moving and lifting himself up so he was sitting on the counter top. Wetting his lips he looked at A.J. before continuing. ”After awhile, I didn't know how to reconnect. I-I figured you wouldn't want to, that you'd probably hate me.” He still thought that, actually. He would have hated himself if their roles had been reversed. ”I didn't think how my actions would effect you. I didn't think about how you would feel.” He said shifting slightly on the counter, wishing he had something in his hands. ”It was completely selfish of me. I get that now. I wish I could go back and change my actions, but I can't.” He could hear the rain pitter pattering outside, smell the coffee brewing. He knew waiting out the rain was the smart thing to do, the safe thing to do. But he couldn't help but hate it, for trapping him here. For making him face his feelings.

[Ashley Jarred West]

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[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true] [style= width: 448px; height: 598px; background-color: #ffffff;] [style= width: 350px; height: 50px; background-color: #000000; font-family: Gentium Book Basic; color: #ffffff; font-size: 26px; line-height: 100%; padding-top: 5px; letter-spacing: 3px;]a.j. west

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true] [style= width: 150px; height: 400px; border: #ffffff 5px solid; background-image:url(http://i45.tinypic.com/16gl51.jpg);] [/style] 0894 words chris outfit --- ohai, darlin'.

How can I decide what's right? When you're clouding up my mind. I can't win your losing fight all the time. How can I ever own what's mine When you're always taking sides? But you won't take away my pride, No not this time. Not this time. How did we get here? I used to know you so well. How did we get here? [style= width: 255px; height: 8px; font-size: 8px; background-color: #000000; color: #ffffff;]------------------------------------- well i think i know [/style] Ashley shrugged a little at Chris' question, ruffling his hair before turning to grab a couple coffee mugs out of the counter as the coffee maker beeped. He was glad to have something to do with his hands again, because he was feeling really fidgety. Maybe he should take an Adderall. "Little things," he replied, adding a bunch of sugar and creamer to his latte-sized coffee cup. "Like, sometimes your gaze would linger on a guy as much as it would a girl. Or you'd flirt with a guy. At first, I wasn't sure if it was just your attempt at being nice, if you were doing it on purpose, or if you just did not even realize." A.J. shrugged a little, going over to the refrigerator to grab a piece of ice into his coffee cup so it would be cool enough to drink right away. "Black coffee, right?" As he asked, he poured a second cup for Chris before moving aside enough to allow the man to come grab it if he wanted, leaning against the counter once more. A.J.'s brow lifted a little as he took a drink of his coffee, not exactly sure what the reasoning behind Chris' newest question was. He was not aware that Chris wordlessly admitting that he was right changed anything between them. He knew Chris liked guys, had known for years. That did not change their friendship, nor did it make A.J. believe that he was one of the guys that Chris would like. After all, he was just the annoying, spastic kid from down the street. He was well aware of his own feelings; but, that did not make them mutual nor would A.J. suddenly let himself think it was, especially after years of believing there was no way it would ever be mutual. "It leaves us standing awkwardly in my apartment? Wasn't aware it changed anything, really. So, you like guys; good on you. It doesn't change my opinion of you or anything. 'M not just gonna stop being your friend because of it." That would be terrible, and a bit hypocritical. If anything, A.J. expected Chris to be the one awkward around him. Then again, Chris probably just thought that A.J.'s sexuality was more gender based and not emotional, like it was. Oh, well. It was not the time to go in to things like that. "I never expected you to talk about it, Chris," he replied with a shake of his head, tapping his fingers on the side of his cup absentmindedly. "You could have talked about the weather and I would've been there telling you about how much the rain sucked." A.J. had understood Chris not responding at first. He was not sure that he wouldn't have done the same if the roles were reversed. However, it was as time went on that A.J. started to get upset. Months turned into a year; a year turned into two, and so on. It was that that A.J. was bothered by, really. "I understood you wanting space and not wanting to talk at all for a while at first. Then a year went by without anything, and then two... It's the continued silence that bothered me. I never expected you to be normal. You lost your parents." A.J. shook his head a little before taking another drink of his coffee with an inaudible sigh. When Chris mentioned hating him, Ashley laughed with a slightly amused smirk and a shake of his head. "I've never hated you, Chris. It'd be easier if I could hate you; and, you've no idea how much I wish I hated you. But I don't. I'm not... I'm not mad. It just hurts." A.J. shrugged a little, reaching up with one hand to ruffle his hair absently, shifting his weight from one side to the other before holding his coffee with both hands again. A.J. worried at his lower lip as he stood there, glancing over at the stairs at the sound of Precious making his way down to slink into the bathroom. The cat was probably going to go lay down in the shower, as he was known to do. The cat was just as weird as he was, which was why his old roommate and best friend had insisted the cat was perfect for them. He really wished she was there right now. She would know what to do and say. "I guess... we've a lot of things to catch up on. Like, uh... Well, my dad had a heart attack a while back. He's okay now, but he's on a strict diet and everything." A.J. still did not trust Chris anywhere near the same way he had before; but, apologies had been made, and explanations had been given. The only thing A.J. could see for them to do from there would either to be to just go separate ways, or try to patch things up. Talking about everything, even in small pieces or the mundane and unimportant, was the best way to do that. After all, they couldn't try to get to know each other again if they did not talk.

tears in the rain ---------------

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ORIGINAL TEMPLATE BY coded by ericamay
MODIFIED FOR PB BY ALICEMOUSE

[Christopher Matthew Evans]

Wow. He hadn't realized he'd been quite that transparent about it. He hadn't realized he'd been transparent at all. All the time he tried to make himself act heterosexual, so others would believe it, so he would believe it, had been for nothing. He'd been afraid one of they guys on the baseball team would find out, and what they would do, how they would treat him because of it. Not everyone was accepting of bisexuality, homosexuality or any of the others. He had feared it would effect his spot on the team. After he and Laura moved, that was not an issue anymore, but he'd spent so long denying it. Honestly, he'd been afraid to admit it to himself, let alone anyone else. But, now he was out, to himself, to Ashley. It felt like a weight off his shoulders. He didn't have to hide it from A.J., or try to considering he'd obviously done a shitty job at that. ”Yeah,” he replied when A.J. asked him about the coffee. Chris slid of the counter, his bare feet making contact with the floor. He moved toward A.J. and the coffee, picking up the hot cup. It felt good in his hands. With his damp hair, and bare chest, Chris was somewhat cold. ”Thanks,” he said looking at A.J. before walking back to where he'd been sitting. Holding it carefully, he hopped back up onto the counter. Chris nodded at A.J. next statements. Considering the younger man had admitted to liking him Chris didn't think A.J. would judge him. He wasn't ready to tell A.J. he liked him too. Chris needed time to let things sink in for him. It was strange, really. He could go up to a woman and tell her he liked her, flirt and all that, with confidence. But, telling A.J. felt different, and he was not sure why.

As he sat there listening to A.J. he felt like a real shitty friend. He knew he didn't handle the situation right. That he'd messed up. But, hearing A.J. talk about how much Chris had hurt him, made him feel like an ass. As much as he wished he could, he could not go back and change what he did. It was what it was, and all they could do now was try to repair the damage he had done. If A.J. even wanted to do that. Though the fact that they were in Ashley's kitchen, talking told Chris the younger man wanted to try, and he would do the same. They needed to rebuild trust. Or rather, A.J. needed to see he could trust him not to bail on him again. Glancing at A.J. he nodded silently in understanding. He had already apologized sincerely, and didn't know what else to say.

Chris took a cautious drink of his coffee, the warm liquid going down his throat. He was about to take another sip when he heard something, and looked over in the direction it came from. A cat? Ashley had a cat? Chris was not exceptionally fond of cats. He was much more a dog person. His eyes turned back toward A.J. as he spoke. Chris' face softened, as he was told about A.J.'s father's heart attack. When they'd been younger, A.J.'s Dad had been like a second father to Chris. ”I'm glad he's alright. I never did get his number from you that other day, “ he said remembering when they'd met in the library. He should really give the man a call.